At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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