Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize