I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
