So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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