My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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