i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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