I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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