maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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