he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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