You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
