you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
