its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
