Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
