i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
