Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
