Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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