So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
