Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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