My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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