I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
