i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
