That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Randomize
