Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
