I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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