none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
