Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am midnight drunk by noon
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
this is an emotional support booty call
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
