You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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