Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
