Why are handjobs necessary in class?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
