guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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