i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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