Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
