The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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