Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
