"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
