I just saw a hot homeless man
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
