also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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