Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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