I just threw up on my dentist
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
