Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
