i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
