i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
