Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
