you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
