return my video game
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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