My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
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