I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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