so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
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Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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