Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
