Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
