I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
