"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
