I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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