Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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