I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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