I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
