capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
