I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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