SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
